paradigm of my life
set in stone
tears refuse to fall
no second chances
From now on I will be posting what I call 'Honesty Hour' posts about anything I have felt or seen. No sugar-coating, no attempt to end it optimistically and etc but will post as is. With no fear.
Hope you all support me on this, it will just release more of the hidden and help breathe out empathy among others. Somewhere, someone out there can relate and it matters to put this out.
This one is
Self Pity and Self Love
I may not shine like I used to but we all know you’re not walking in my shoes
not anytime soon,
you have come a long way from the tacky clothes and living in false poverty
but your money cannot conceal what I have worked for.
I may not smile like I used to,
may not evoke beauty of natural stillness like I once did,
you may be indirectly provoking the envy in me
but I know I’m moving on somewhere better
You saw the shallow in me and tried to pave way for yourself
to see if you could fit in my shadow,
not fooling anyone, dear.
I’m moving on to an economical self,
moving on to practicality
I can’t pretend to be in the level I once was in-
I can’t pretend to have more than I actually own
wear fancy clothes I can’t afford,
but I can still shine without all the glamour.
And I know you know I will,
and this is just what kills you inside
When I see your grin of secret agony
it makes me happy
Without as much as you have,
without much effort as you try
I, by myself, am beautiful
and loved by the rest
There’s so many things I’ve been wanting to share on this often overlooked online journal but the thoughts would consume and compress into tiny bubbles that lead to procrastination, hence the lack of update.
I sit and type this to you, readers, from Room 101 in the heart of Dubai, how I got here… you don’t even want to know. It’s as if my love for traveling was a God- given blessing upon birth. Currently I have an anti-wrinkle eye mask on and listening to a Bossa Nova Jazz playlist on YouTube (yes, upgraded) yet I ponder upon the tainted words of the Indian porter who helped guide with my luggage and directed me to a cab, as we walked out of the airport he asked what I was here for..
"Oh, that’s good! Mashallah," his smile gradually shrunk and then said
"I never went to school, that’s why you see my job" as he pointed to my suitcase with the look of disdain. I felt my heart shatter into a million little pieces then proceeded to an attempt of consoling,
"At least you have an honest and hard-working job, don’t look down on yourself"
We then said our goodbyes, the car ride to the hotel was long but the richness in architecture that scattered the city kept me entertained, for a while but now the quietness in this room has me reflecting on his words. I haven’t been studying for more than a year now due to many reasons, but I can thoroughly explain it in two ways only:
1) Choices I’ve made, the bad and good.
Let’s face it, I’m stubborn. For someone who wasn’t born as privileged as the rest of my peers, somehow I still manage to upscale my way of living and luck seems to follow me around when I’m about to crash and fall. But what is falling anyway? Why is success always measured by the amount of money one makes and the respect in the name of the occupation that they do? All this time I’ve been chasing after the most superficial meaning of success when I should have just appreciated that I had the means for a proper education, something most people cannot even have.
So upon this said stubborn trait and finickiness, I have turned down not one, not two but three main opportunities to study. At the time I didn’t know why I wasn’t so keen on it either but all these choices have led me to many exciting new life experiences like with the modeling jobs, best-friend-turned-boyfriend, and the most surprising change of all: conversion from introvert-ism to extrovert-ism.
Fate plays a major role in the saga that is mi vida, it’s all connected somehow… if I had never met my best friend Mohammed then I’d still be staying home, insecure, hiding behind a laptop and never taking risks/chances. Funny how one person can completely turn your life around, in a matter of a year.
The girl who swore she’d never ever get in a relationship now thrives to have her boyfriend by her side during this transition from the “literate model” to “college girl”, the ice queen nobody could crack now cries to release all tension (and hey, it works), for Pete’s sake I haven’t even had time to blog because life has just been a circus parade.
My life is not perfect and never will be but there is beauty in pain, smiles in tears and happiness in every bit of longing. A fresh new start, and hopefully I end this one properly.
Classes commence in two days and I’ll be living in a dorm with a roommate, another new experience. I hope whoever she is, she doesn’t get bothered by my bipolar personality and highly OCD- related demands to keep the washroom sanitary at all times.
Roomie, if you’re reading this right now.. I hope were on good terms. I’m just as nervous as you are or will be, let’s make this a pleasant year.
I’ve been abandoned, this pain defeats all your complaints because this has been kept within for well over a few years now and even then I don’t wail on to others but instead try to force out waterworks.
I’ve been abandoned so many times before and by so many people- surprisingly, even those who promised from the bottom of their hearts they would stay with me “forever.”
What does that word even truly mean?
All these people who have inflicted me with limited smiles, hence why it has been so easy for me to overcome the riddance of others or being rid over and over and over again. I have trained myself to feel nothing, taught myself the meaning of self-defense by means of words, suppressed beyond others’ knowledge nor belief.
In my mind, the motto was always “What is crying out to others going to do?”
One in ten people actually feel empathy, the rest are mainly curious and bored.
Now I’ll tell you the questions I’ve always been asked and even some that I ask myself when isolated
You know what, no, I can’t.
A inscrutability it will stay
Loving the hometown, lusting over the food and basking in the sun’s glory.
I know I have not been as active as I used to here on my blog, but lately Tumblr has been losing its motivational effect, I’m even in conclusion as to whether or not I should delete this blog and start a new one on Blogger.
But my mind is an unsolvable puzzle in itself and if I did that,I know the very next day I’ll regret it. Okay going off-topic again, here are a few latest photos of what my friends and I have been up to!
Being a tourist in my own country, naturally. Manama!
Aint’ nothin but a Cocos thang (this resulted in orgasmic-moaning over the goodness of their food)
My best friend & l in one of our millions of selfies
The first night back in Bahrain, posing for these pictures isn’t even a choice.
My favorite niece in the world when she came to Bahrain for a visit!
Everyone needs that blurry partying photograph, don’t they?
Arsalan and I trying out the infamous Aloo Basheer for the first time
and we kissed as we trembled on one another,
his wrath adjoined to demean myself worthy of his love
he conquered me.